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Literature by halcyonshores

ENGLISH LANGUAGE by lombregrise


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Submitted on
March 22, 2013
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The spokes in the wheels turn backwards
Empty birdhouses
Windchimes
Flailing leaves
The man in the duster and battered top hat stands
with crow-pecked eyes in a cornfield
He doesn't care, it isn't his job
to sing
Only to move with the sideways winds

I wonder if he ever dreams
of the wind blowing through alleys
scattering paper on wet streets
Lamplight instead of moonlight
I wonder if he feels crucified

The creak of a front-porch swing
The mantra of the cows
Ohmmm
Pinwheels
Harvest moon
The space allotted in the north corner for two headstones
Beloved husband, beloved wife, asleep
The sleeper in the house doesn't dream
except of dark barns and shovels, and dirt
hitting coffin lids
Needs work, suggestions welcome.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlucy-singh:
Lucy-Singh Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013
This is actually quite good.
I wish I could write stuff like this.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you very much. I'm sure that you can!
Reply
:iconearthwitch74:
Earthwitch74 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013  Professional Artist
beautiful
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconcorvidae65:
Corvidae65 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013
Well done :clap: I like the feel of the setting and it has a Poe-esque quality to it. Beautiful and kinda creepy at the same time.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you very much, I appreciate that!
Reply
:iconcorvidae65:
Corvidae65 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconfollowintheblackbird:
FollowinTheBlackBird Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think I agree. I can find nothing wrong with any of the rest.
Reply
:iconhanachi-shitsukki:
Hanachi-Shitsukki Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Simply breathtaking ♥ Your poem is suprisingly musical - you bring sound to the images, dimensions to words, breathe life to the image. Keep writing.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you very much, I'm humbled by your compliment.
Reply
:iconobsidian-nightfall:
Obsidian-Nightfall Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Student Writer
Quite wonderful.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you very much.
Reply
:iconchryssalis:
chryssalis Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013
:clap::clap:
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013
solid. Good work to show, has a sense of place.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013
Pleasure.
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:
Reply
:iconswansisters:
swansisters Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Marvelous
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconsherjaxon:
Sherjaxon Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You know I think is fine just as is, the images are great and the mood somber in such a way you feel the isolation and sense the dreams.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you very much, I think I'm through tinkering with it now.
Reply
:iconthefantasim:
thefantasim Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013   Digital Artist
I like to read more about the person in the house.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Writer
I don't know who he/she is yet.... :)
Reply
:iconmetal-bender:
Metal-Bender Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013   Photographer
Amazing Ron - strong images in this piece!:D
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks very much, Peggy! :D
Reply
:iconmetal-bender:
Metal-Bender Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013   Photographer
You're very welcome Ron!:D
Reply
:iconrichardleach:
RichardLeach Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013   Traditional Artist
I like this a lot, Ron. Not the scarecrow's job to sing is great. And the ending hits hard.

A question on line two - clocks do run left to right depending on what time of day it is - am I missing something there?
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Writer
I've been thinking about the clocks, but the hands always move "clockwise"... right to left... don't they? Maybe I should change it to read 'backwards' to avoid any confusion. Thanks, Richard.
Reply
:iconrichardleach:
RichardLeach Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013   Traditional Artist
I know what you mean - but right now it's twenty of two - the minute hand is on the left side of the dial but it's headed for the right side... sorry to be so picky. When a piece is good these little things stick out. At me anyway!
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on this... it's going to bug me now until I find a suitable replacement line, but it will be changed! :)
Reply
:iconrichardleach:
RichardLeach Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013   Traditional Artist
:salute: :handshake:
Reply
:iconwithlove-fromme:
WithLove-FromMe Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013
I really enjoy the content of it all. It takes me to a time I have never been yet it feels familiar.
Every time I read it the meaning to me sort of changes.

Initially I imagined a man working in a field.
Then I thought of a scarecrow.
I like the idea of a scarecrow better.
I wonder too, if he feels crucified with crow pecked eyes...

nice work :wave:
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you! I think its vaguely familiar to most people, if only from what they read in history books. :)
Reply
:iconwithlove-fromme:
WithLove-FromMe Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013
You are welcome!
And I agree :)
Reply
:iconm-gosia:
m-gosia Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013
:heart:
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013
It starts like an experimental silent movie of the late 20s, becomes "film noir" with the barest desaturated colour, and becomes a country memory of the future.

--------------

I suggest adjusting the last stanza so the first lines become>
The creak of a front-porch swing
the mantra
of the cows
ohmmm
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Professional Writer
I adjusted the lines in question almost to your specifications. I keep thinking that this needs punctuation. I know that good poetry should read well without it, but this seems to be screaming for some commas and a semicolon or two.

This awkardly-written bit of prose inspired this... my sad attempt at writing about spring.)
He wore a long black duster and a battered old top hat. She wore a black dress with a shawl, a long black veil covering her face. His pale face was blurred, as if constantly caught in motion. The sombre figures walked through tall green grass spotted with yellow disies. The sky was bright blue with white puffy clouds. They looked out of place, here, in the spring, with birds chittering around and bees buzzing about. They were moonlight people. No matter how long they walked, hand-in-hand, they never got far from the two headstones. Beloved Wife, Beloved Husband.
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013
Yours is better.

The reason I separated "the mantra" on its own line is because it applies both to the swing and to the cows, as expressed in your original with its comma on the first line.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Professional Writer
daisies, dammit.
Reply
:iconlancelotprice:
LancelotPrice Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013
Yes. :)
Reply
:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is engaging stuff and fun to read.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013   Writer
I really like this. The only thing I can see is a couple of line breaks so that you're ending on a "strong" word: I'd knock "the" and "of" down to the next line.

This piece is really sharp. The images are great.
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you very much, will do!
Reply
:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013   Writer
:salute:
Reply
:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
it has the feel of the forties farm, Ron,
rather forlorn.

the be descriptive of "the man", the
phrase "with crow-pecked eyes"
needs to go at the beginning of
the sentence. otherwise, i think
this poem is excellent... :nod:
Reply
:iconbark:
Bark Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks very much, I changed it. I wasn't sure whether to even include the third stanza, but that forlorn farm feel is exactly what I was trying for. (I grew up in rural NC.)
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